Sweden, where I live, recently got a new parasite, and that makes me very angry.
Don’t get me wrong; I think parasites in general are our friends. There is reason to believe that parasites have given us great things such as colourful, ornamented birds and mammals, great reduction in body hair, social organisation, and the evolutionary wonder that is the immune system. A colleague sent me a paper, which will soon be published, in which he and his co-authors put forward the interesting hypothesis that some gestures of endearment among humans are actually a mechanism for transfer of head lice (Pediculus humanus L.), and that this is actually desirable.
I work with parasites, and they are wonderful creatures. The sheer ingenuity in shapes, lifestyles, and methods for fooling or bypassing host defences are among the most interesting parts of biology. We may not like having a tapeworm, but just imagine how you would like living in an environment that is largely corrosive, being attacked by another creature’s immune system permanently, in total darkness, and actually manage to thrive! Not to mention the amazing parasites that can actually cause behavioural changes in their hosts, such as climbing blades of grass or going into shallower water. I can think of no group of organisms that are more fascinating than parasites.
But that goes only for parasites that are also other species. When it comes to parasitic humans, I am much less charitably inclined. In short, as I have argued before, they should be exterminated.
I speak, of course, of the upper classes.
My intense dislike for the upper classes was recently brought back into focus, when the Dictatrix-to-be of Sweden and her smarmy car-salesman-smile-wearing husband forced a hospital to be partially evacuated so that she could squirt out the last in a far too long line of socially parasitic brats.
However, this post is not to rage over Princess Dictatoria (1) and her spawn, nor is this the time to mock the prince-regent-to-be who shares my name for his preposterous suggestion that the tax payers – who have bloody well paid for the new baby – should give the new mother some peace and quiet. Well, stay inside the immense castle you were given as a wedding gift and in which you live on the tax payers’ account if you don’t want to be seen and disturbed! Surely the 3.5 million crowns extra that we are giving you annually for the maintenance of your luxury villa is enough to buy you some Venetian blinds for the windows, so you can crawl into the darkness that bloodsuckers habitually inhabit and thus escape the prying eyes of people who actually have to work for their money.
No, this post is meant to mock those misguided people who, every time something happens in the Royal Ulcer, sees fit to take the occasion to mock those of us who are sane enough to have left the 19th Century and actually wants to get rid of this fairy-tale dictatorship. The first Bernadotte on the Swedish throne was the son of a book keeper, for Space’s sake! Even if there had been such a thing as “royal blood”, there’s none running through that speeding skirt-chaser’s veins.
The specific statement I want to discuss here is one that is often made, that the republicans of Sweden want to have Lars Ohly, former leader of the ex-Communistic Left party of Sweden, as Dictator-for-Life or Dear Leader or something equally inane. I would have thought that anyone who has even the most rudimentary skills in logic and the most primitive appreciation of the world would have realised the inanity of such statements, but apparently it is possible to misunderestimate how parsimonious God was when he handed out intellects to royalists, as I have seen this argument no less than four times in the short time since the new royal leech was born. Evidently limiting your literary tastes to the royalty-laden tabloids and the backs of milk cartons can so eviscerate a braincase that these things need to be spelled out.
1. The Republican Society of Sweden
The Republican Society of Sweden is the main driving force to abolish the Bernadotte Dictatorship. If republicans won’t give up until school children are forced to sit on Lars Ohly-patterned benches, recite their Oath of Allegience to the Dear Leader Lars Ohly, and eat communistic school lunches consisting of Lars Ohly-approved black pancakes made from the blood of the upper classes and wrapped in a hymn sheet for the new national anthem, “Long Live Lars Ohly, our Dear and Great Leader” – if this is the case, and this certainly seems to be the fervent royalists’ opinion, then we would naturally expect the most prominent organisation in Sweden arguing for the abolishment of the present tyranny and the establishment of a republic to be as fervent in their worship of Lars Ohly as the royalists are in their adoration of constitutional slavery.
“Is this the case?” I hear you all fall over yourselves to be the first to ask. Well, I don’t know, but I know someone who does: my friend Mr. Inconvenient Facts. He tells me that of the six chairmen of the Republican Society, a grand total of NONE WHATSOEVER have been from the Left Party. Instead, the Republican Society, which was founded by a member of the Liberal Party and a member of the Social Democrats, has had two chairmen from the Liberal Party, two Social Democrats, and one from the Feminist Party.
Well, so much for history. It’s a well known fact on the political right that history can be rewritten and changed to prove anything, so it is useless and can be ignored. But the present? Can we ignore the present in the same way as we are encouraged by the Moderate Party to ignore the past?
I don’t know, but I know someone who does: Mr. Inconvenient Facts.
He tells me that the present chairman of the Republican Society is a Christian Democrat. That is right, the current chairman of the flagship in the great communist navy that wants to force everyone to tattoo the Hammer and Sickle and an idyllic scenery of Stalin and Mao beating a capitalist to death with a Marx-shaped baseball bat to their foreheads, is a member of the party that is not the farthest away from the former Communist Party only by virtue of the fact that some people in Skåne preferred to sneak out to have a cigarette behind the gymnastics hall instead of going to class and thereby laid the foundations of the gargantuan pile of despicable ignorance and disregard for all that is nice and proper that is the Swedish Democrats, or, to give it its proper name, the Racist Party. Only because they are not openly racist, but are sophisticated enough to hate you for being a Moslem, gay, poor, a woman, or simply well-educated and thereby a leftist/Darwinist/communist rather than going for the more simple-minded hatred of foreigners, blacks and Jews that characterizes the Swedish Democrats – only because of this the Christian Democrats are not the political party in the Swedish parliament that is farthest away from the Left Party. There are no qualitative differences otherwise, as seen, for instance, by the fact that the Swedish Democrats and the Christian Democrats are the only parties in parliament who are against voluntary insemination of unmarried women.
So that’s that, then. The primary source of republican reason in Sweden was founded by a member of the Liberal Party, and is now headed by an extreme-right Christian fundamentalist. And their goal, the royalists tells us, is to convert Sweden from its present system of having the descendant of a book keeper for airHead of State until he dies or chooses to abdicate, to a system where we instead have a former train driver rule us with what is probably (considering that he is a filthy communist and everything they do is bad) his rusty bog-iron fist for four years or so until election time. I assume that is why the Alliance that rules Sweden consists of the Liberal Party, the Left Party, and the Christian Democrats. And I suppose that is why the insult to all primates that rule the Liberal Party – Major Bucktooth – consistently speaks about Lars Ohly in such endearing terms.
No wait! I got reality confused with some glue-like distillation of the vacuous vapour that fills the cavernous insides of the heads of royalists! It turns out that the Liberal Party and the Christian Democrats – a contradiction if ever there was one – are actually in an alliance, but not with the Left Party. Shockingly, the Left Party is in opposition, in spite of the fact that until recently, their leader was Lars Ohly, the very same person that the Christian Democrats and the Liberals want to see as Dictator-for-Life of Sweden!
This revelation was so shocking to me that I had to stand up and reread the preceding paragraph over and over until my legs got all shaky and I had to sit down and have some ice cream to still my nerves.
The very suggestion that the royalists should be such warp speed idiots that they believe that the Religious Zealot Party and the Put-Nuclear-Weapons-On-Gotland-to-fend-off-the-Russians Party would simultaneously advocate having an ex-communist for Dictator-for-Life of Sweden, well it staggers belief. It is a true testament to the failure of the school systems the Liberal Party has designed over the last few decades that such Plutonium-dense misguidedness can exist in a country where despite the Conservatives’ best efforts we still give at least a basic education to every child. And had Sweden been a democracy, and not a constitutional monarchy = dictatorship with benefits, it would have been a mark of that democracy’s grandness that these people were still allowed to vote (again, not thanks to the Conservatives).
But surely I cannot be calling people idiots on the sole basis of them not knowing who is the chairman of the Republican Society, can I? That would be uncharacteristically churlish, indeed, and the label would extend to me also, as I had to ask Mr. Inconvenient Facts about these things in the first place. Surely there must be some other line of reasoning that at least augments this realisation of the mental health of the troglodytes who support the monarchy.
2. Yes, of course there is.
Even supposing that the very same people who most likely can figure out how to open a book only on the seventh try were correct, and the Christian Democrats and the Liberals were supporting Lars Ohly as Dictator-for-Life, despite opposing him and his party is all ways imaginable in day-to-day politics – even supposing this, do their claim make any kind of sense?
To answer this question, we need to first analyse how these people see the world. I called them “troglodytes” above, but neither this, nor terms such as “parochial”, “insular” or “mentally cross-eyed” really does justice to the virtually two-dimensional world view of the royalists. In order to believe that the substitution of an elected head of state for the current dictatorial system would lead straight to the establishment of soviets in every village and the refurbishment of the Royal Castle as the only Gulag in history with a nice view over Lake Mälaren, they would have to believe that all other Republics in the world were either fairy tales, filthy communist lies, or actually being monarchies but disguised as republics for unclear reasons.
Is that the case? Well, while I consider myself a well-educated young man with a handsome beard, a stunning smile, and a winning personality, I don’t really know, but I do know someone who does. Mr. Inconvenient Facts informs me that none of the following presidents of alleged republics have yet transformed into Stalin Mk. II and starting a purge of the Intelligentsia:
– President Nicolas Sarkozy of the French Republic
– Acting President Horst Seehofer of the Federal Republic of Germany
– President Heinz Fischer of the Republic of Austria
– President Ólafur Ragnar Grímsson of Iceland
– President Bronislaw Komorowski of the Republic of Poland
– President Tarja Halonen of the Republic of Finland
– President Anibal Cavaco Silva of the Portuguese Republic
– President Michael D. Higgins of the Republic of Ireland
– President Barack Obama of the United States of America
I didn’t include presidents of more obscure countries, such as Estonia, the Czech Republic, and the entirety of Africa and South America, as I believe that if someone hasn’t heard of the USA, Finland, or France, they have no clue what a Mozambique or a Nigeria is.
In fact, if you want to have an example of a republic that used to be a monarchy and that are now more or less authoritarian, we find that the prime examples – Italy and Hungary – are actually right-wing. The French, led by a right-winger, incidentally made Gypsies a major export in recent years, under a typically right-wing interpretation of what “human rights” means. It seems we don’t need to fear that the abolishment of the present dictatorship of Sweden would result in a communist quagmire run by Lars Ohly or Göran Persson or Mona Sahlin or Jonas Sjöstedt or any other socialist at all. It seems far more likely that the dictator of such a republic would not be a new Stalin, but a remake of those proud conservatives that the Conservative Party is trying so hard to distance themselves from: Hitler, Mussolini, Franco, Horthy, Salazar, Dollfuss, Hirohito, or Pinochet.
So evidently, what they should be fearing is having Fredrik Reinfeldt as a republican dictator, rather than Lars Ohly.
But wait, isn’t that exactly the case at the moment?
Anyway, given that there are no examples whatsoever of a monarchy that has turned into a communist hell just by abolishing the monarch in modern times (which is when this would happen, making older examples inapplicable), and that it seems far more likely, given that the Racist Party now has enough support to be in parliament and that the Liberal Party is the only party beside the Racists that mentions immigration as a problem when crime and unemployment is discussed, and that the Christian Fundamentalist Party still hasn’t formed a coherent, wide-spread opinion on whether or not it is okay to sterilize transsexuals, and that the Centre Party is run by a fangirl of the Fascist Mothership Ayn Rand, and given that the Conservative party are and always have been fascists but have tried to hide it by giving their financial spokesperson a ring in his ear and a ponytail to make him look “modern” and “hip” — given all that, that it seems far more likely that any dictatorship arising from the deconstruction of the present dictatorship will be right-wing (which is already the case, as both the head of state and the head of government are extreme right-wing fanatics), how can we explain these inane statements by royalists? It can be summed up in three words, which I will leave to the conclusion.
Royalists are morons.
(1) Isn’t it a marvellous coincidence that the words “dictator” and “Victoria”, the name of the current princess-heir of the dictatorship of Sweden, can be made into no less than two appropriate portmanteaus (2): “Dictoria” and the slightly longer “Dictatoria”?
(2) And you know how much I like portmanteaus.